Friday, May 21, 2010


Warning: Article may contain strong language, if you're offended by the "f-word" or other swears, you may want to skip.

Guys, in general, have a hard time crying. Or at least we have a hard time admitting that we cry. It’s tough. Crying takes our edge off. It’s vulnerability. But guys do cry. I cry. And nothing makes me cry more than movies.

I’m sorry... I have to admit it. There are always a few choice movies that no matter how many times I watch... I let my salty emotions get the better of my eyes.

Follow me on the magical journey of MOVIES THAT MAKE ME CRY...

(In no particular order)

1. Finding Nemo

Fuck yourself. It’s sad. I always cry at the end when we all think Nemo is dead at the bottom of the ocean after saving the school of fish from the fishing net...

2. The NeverEnding Story

Why couldn’t that damn horse not think about the sadness? Stupid Swamp...

3. Crash

Man.... When was I NOT crying? Matt Dillon’s Heroics, Don Cheadle getting scolded by his Mother, who blames him for not finding his brother... I THOUGHT THE LITTLE GIRL GOT SHOT!!!

4. Click

Anybody that doesn’t admit they cry in this movie either lacks emotion or a soul.

“Will you still love me in the morning?”

“Forever and Ever, babe.”

5. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Aside from Elijah Wood’s “Gay Making” Beautiful Blue Eyes.... I always get moistly-eyed when

Gimili the Dwarf and Legolas’ bickering subsides to culminate in their treasured friendship at the Black Gate. The Elf wanted to die side by side with a friend... and the dwarf was happy to oblige.

6. The Shawshank Redemption

Brooks was Here. So was Red.

7. American Beauty

I remember seeing this when I was young... and I have always wished that heaven would be similar

to the one that Kevin Spacey describes at the end of the movie.

8. Big Fish

This is at least one movie on my list where I witnessed three OTHER men of the same age cry

ing at the same time. And then we hugged.

9. Cast Away

Never thought I would cry over a man losing a volleyball. That just sounds wrong.

10. Philadelphia

Tom Hanks makes me fucking cry. If you haven’t seen this (most people haven’t)... this is a great

first date movie. I’m kidding.

11. Ghosts of Mississippi

Another movie you probably have never seen. But if you are on that first date... tell her or him that you’ve seen this movie and that you cry every time.... INSTANT STYLE POINTS.

12. The Butterfly Effect

First a volleyball made me cry.... and then Kelso?

13. Titanic

No... Leonardo Dicaprio doesn’t make me cry. That old dumb bitch throwing a quarter of a billion dollars into the sea makes me cry. And the noise she makes. It’s like a 110 year old orgasm. “Ahhh”

14. Charlotte's Web

I’m not talking about the bullshit remake. I’m talking about the movie we all grew up on. You didn’t cry? Maybe you don’t remember then...

Wilbur: Are you writers?

Charlotte's daughters: No, but we will be when we grow up.

Wilbur: Then write this in your webs, when you learn: This hallowed doorway was once the home of Charlotte. She was brilliant, beautiful, and loyal to the end. Her memory will be treasured forever.

Charlotte's daughters: Ooh, that would take us a lifetime.

Wilbur: A lifetime. That's what we have.


15. Armageddon

Oh you didn’t cry? Bullshit. Let me know the next time you make a promise to your daughter to return home... but break that promise to save the world from an asteroid the size of Texas... and you don’t cry.

16. 2012

Let me get this straight... I’m the only person in the country that cried when this ship literally got its ass handed to itself... with those two old guys on it? But the guy didn’t get to talk to his son!

OK, so that ship didn’t get you wet? How about the USS KENNEDY that rips Danny Glover a new asshole? No? Alright.

17. Edward Scissorhands

I think we’ve all felt like Edward at some point in our lives. Minus the scissors.


I hope that you find the courage to let your guard down... and I want all of you to know that it’s okay to cry. If you cry when Luke Skywalker takes his Father’s mask off at the end of RETURN OF THE JEDI... more power to you. I, personally, couldn’t cry... because Darth Vader looked like Humpty Dumpty on Meth... but you get the idea.

Wasn’t this guy on Tru-Life: I’m a Meth-Head ?


Thank you to Nick Smith for the entertaining and mind-provoking article. Everyone be sure to visit the Facebook, MySpace, and/or Twitter fanpages to find out more details about CrossTopix and future articles. If you are interested in being a guest, please contact

Tune in next Wednesday as the CrossTopix discussion makes its return with guests Jasmine and Red for heavy discussion on Batman, the next Metroid video game, and anime!

1 comment:

  1. A 110 year old orgasm? That was fucking hilarious. I agree with some of these goddamn movies. I think you left out Saving Private Ryan, and I know you cried at that, you fuck. And also Lady in the Water... that scene where he's healing the girl. It just fucking gets to me every time. He's letting go of all that pain he's held in all those years. It touches me deep down in my loins. Also, Nick... Braveheart. I don't think you could make a man getting decapitated anymore poetic and beautiful. Not a dry eye in the house. And I actually cried watching The Majestic with Jim Carrey. That scene at the end when he's in the courtroom. It's a good one. Oh, and Field of Dreams. Shit, I sound like a pussy. Fuck it.